Night Ravings

Life has turned upside down for me these days. I ran my 5K in January, and it seems it went downhill  medical tests prove there was more than I thought brewing in the background. You see, I went from being ecstatic that I finished (really, that is huge, since I had heel trouble and zero energy for a long time), but I felt as if I ran a marathon and couldn’t quite recover. Symptoms I viewed as separate oddities over a span of eight years or so (and have been treating for a while) have compounded and flared up since then in an autoimmune sort of way. I’ve been to two doctors this week without a diagnosis; I guess that’s why Brian calls me a medical mystery.

The thing is, I am tired of being mysterious.

So, a few nights ago Brian and I were reading in bed, and I felt a wild need to pray about this stuff. Sometimes, as we hold hands under the sheets, our prayers are calmly spoken, and other times require nothing less than a relentless pursuit of answers. I heard my voice match my desperate, frustrated, ALL CAPS words.

My night raving went a little like this:

OKAY GOD,

I AM TIRED OF THIS! EVERYTHING IS UP IN THE AIR, AND I’M TIRED OF HURTING! WHAT IS GOING ON?

THERE ARE THINGS WE WANT TO DO TO OUR HOUSE–UPGRADING THE KITCHEN AND BATHROOM, CUTTING DOWN TREES IN THE BACKYARD, OUR DRYER NEEDS TO BE REPLACED. WE’VE SPENT TONS OF MONEY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME OVER THE PAST YEAR, AND THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE! WE HAVE BILLS TO PAY, AND I WANT A VACATION! I WANT TO GO TO FRANCE. WE’RE TRYING TO SELL THIS HOUSE, BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING!

WILL YOU HELP US?!?

I WANT AN ADVENTURE. I WANT SOMETHING FUN FOR A CHANGE. I WANT TO FEEL BETTER! I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITHOUT THE WEIGHT OF ALL OF THIS.

AND IF MY STRATEGY IS ALL WRONG, FINE. MAYBE I SHOULD STOP DICTATING TO YOU HOW ALL THIS NEEDS TO TURN OUT. I’LL TAKE any VACATION… TO FRANCE, NIGER (peeking through my eyelashes at Brian just to see his expression because that idea does not AT ALL appeal to him), COLORADO, ANYWHERE… EXCEPT IN THE SOUTH BECAUSE THAT WOULDN’T BE A VACATION. WE NEED SOME FUN! SERIOUSLY, JUST TELL US ALREADY! WHAT’S THE DEAL? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? AND HOW SHOULD WE SPEND OUR MONEY?

…(after a deep breath and more calmly) And thank you for Brian and the pups and our jobs and friends and family.

Amen.

And after all those words, I looked over at my Lovey, who had a touchingly sweet grin on his face. “That’s the best prayer I’ve ever heard you pray,” he said. 

–Jen

How do you feel about questioning God when things don’t make sense?

14 thoughts on “Night Ravings”

  1. Sometimes we just have to take the fullness of our hearts to the Lord–that can include our questions. He is the one with the answers–I’m not exactly sure why we wait, why He isn’t the first we ask–but it’s in our more desperate circumstances that we are most aware of our need for Him. It’s when we can’t, that we get to see He can! It’s when we don’t know the answers that we seek His Wisdom. Praying with & for you that the Prince of Peace will make His presence tangibly known to you in the midst of your questions!

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    1. Thank you, Cami! I agree. I think he wants us to ask him the tough questions, after all, that’s what we do in real relationships when we’re brave enough to hear the answers. I have been asking about some things for a LONG time and then seem to let it go for a while. I think there’s something very different, though, about relentlessly pursuing an answer. I guess it has more to do with faith than anything.

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  2. I really like this! I often have similar thoughts. I especially wonder what God is up to and how to prepare for what’s a head, when i’m tired and frustrated with the kids, bills are piling up, the house needs repairs, cars are breaking down, and we have so many plans and good intentions, but no recourses to make them happen. I often pray and tell God, I just don’t get it. What are we supposed to do? But then I remind myself that I don’t have to understand, just trust that things will become clear at just the right time, and that we will be provided for, and most importantly, that we have each other! No matter what questions or concerns i have, I know that Chris and the kids are a blessing that is consistent and dependable, no questions asked!

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    1. Yes, yes, yes– “trust that things will become clear at just the right time.” Thank you for that reminder!

      And gratefulness does have a lot to do with being in the waiting, doesn’t it? Once I start thinking about what’s going right, I realize I have more peace. I don’t always do that right away though and then wonder why I waited so long.

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  3. I don’t think God minds us questioning when things don’t go the way we think they should. He knows what we are feeling anyway. I think often we want to know why. We want to know why do we have to wait on something. It is tough when God is quite too.
    I have come to think that if God answered my why’s then they would just create more why’s in my mind. That I would never be satisfied. I think it is tough to hang in there in the face of the unknown. The reality is it is unknown for everyone. Do we come to the point where we say to God I trust that you have got my back and I need to wait on you. Do I wait with anger? Do I wait with confidence? I think we should cry out to God at all times. We most likely will waver between coincidence that He will take care of all and wondering if He has forgotten to take care of me. We know what He promised and for those times we ache with wonder I think we should tell Him and at the same time lean into Him in confidence that He has our best in mind. Waiting is tough work and is faith acted out.

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    1. That’s a good point–having some answers might never be enough. I feel like I get a little here and a little there, maybe to remind me that I don’t have to know it all! In past experiences, many answers come at just the right time (although I certainly don’t think that while waiting for them :).

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  4. Ahhhhhhh, hi friend.
    I didn’t realize all of this was going on.
    I would love to support you in any way I can.
    This is so tough and I’m sorry you’re having to walk through it.
    It sucks, yes?
    I am praying for clarity. For you and for the doctors working with you.
    Much Love,
    Joy

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